Crusty Crab

The crusty old crab from the Rhine

Said things were swimmingly fine

Til the Leech and the Louse

Took over his house

And drank up his finest white wine.

The crab slipped away to the Nile

A trip he found quite worth his while.

The Louse and the Leech

Sang each to each

And the crab drained the last of his bile.

Starting to Read History

The many entanglements

of Henry the Lion

and Albert the Bear

John the Fearless

and Philip the Fair

Joan the Burnt

and Ollie the Prod

Louis the Saint 

and Louis the God

and all those 

murdered Thomases.

Who they were I can't say

when they lived I don't know

but they're all quite dead

as my history shows.

Attachments

A hood is a hat attached to a coat

A sail is a cloth attached to a boat

An anchor’s a weight attached to a float

A castle’s a home attached to a moat.

A can is a dinner attached to a goat 

A thirst is a hunger attached to a throat

A mayor’s an actor attached to a vote 

A poem’s a thought attached to a note.

Dirty Old Man

The dirty old man from Reading,

Alarmed at the press he was getting,

Said, “Those old lice

Are just looking for mice.

They have nothing to do with my bedding!”

Woman from Mars 

There once was a woman from Mars

Who kept all her husbands in jars.

She said, “It seems fickle,

But when I’m in a pickle,

It’s better than hitting the bars.”

Ballerina

The young ballerina from France

Left just about nothing to chance.

She plotted and planned

And drew on her hand

The details of every new dance.

This lithe little mover from France

Impressed by the give in her pants

Became rather proud

And exceedingly loud

With her choreographical rants.

Out to Stud

I met a young seahorse one day

Who was keeping his girlfriend at bay.

He said, “She’s gone wild

But I am with child

And the nursery’s filled up with hay!”

Mocking turtles and hogwash jam,

Sir Pickleby Puddle’s finest ham. 

Orange feathers and a bright-blue ruff

Spanish sniffing English snuff.

When I go to bed I find it odd

that every message I've sent to God

is returned to me in a big white box

labeled ‘I’m the Rabbit, You’re the Fox.’

As I dream, the cunning one slips away 

and I dread the coming of a grim new day.

Squid

The bookish old squid from the Seine

Counted his hands up to ten.

He stopped at eleven

Complaining to heaven

“And I can’t even manage a pen!”

Poet

The fabulous poet from Greece

Tired of the mythical fleece

Grabbed her good shears 

But opted for spears

When the sheep ran away with her niece.

Little Lilly

Little Lilly Locus

Announced with a stare,

“I can eat a crocus!” 

And I said, “I don’t care.” 

Little Lilly Locus

Put on her big hat.

She said, “Hocus Pocus.”

I said, “Enough of that!”

Little Lilly Locus 

Chewed on a vine.

She said, “You’re out of focus.”

And I said, “I feel fine.”

Lil’ Lil’ inspected me 

And teased me for my clothes.

She said, “Ah, you’re rich, I see.

But you have an ugly nose.” 

Lilly was a little witch—

Strange, but it’s true.

She dug herself a little ditch

And I said, “That will do!”  

In the ditch she grew a tree

As large as a tomb.

She said, “Henry, now you’ll see

I’ll use it for my broom.”

“Keep your tricks up your sleeve,”

I said with growing fright. 

“If you don’t stop I’ll have to leave.”

And she just said, “Good night.”

That night Little Lilly 

Flew across the moon. 

I felt a little silly,

But I hit her with a spoon.

“Get down from there,” I exclaimed.

“You’ll fall down to your fate!”

But Little Lilly wasn’t maimed--  

In fact she looked quite great.

The little witch sailed away

Upon her naughty broom.

And all the while I spend my day

With an awful sense of doom. 

I hope to see Lilly just once more 

And I hope she’s on the ground.

And I’d feel better if I were poor

And she were safe and sound.